If they cared, there would be cake.

It seems like this blog runs in waves & warning for this post, there’s a bit of cussing.

From the wave of things going well, to a wave of negativity. I would say that it’s been an easy two months since my last update, but that’s far from it. Mentally it’s been a challenge in adjusting to college life and keeping up with my classes, but I’ll let my current pre-finals GPA of 3.97 stand for itself. I still have two large pieces due soon, and the actual finals to work through, but I feel really good about it despite my anxiety.

Aside from that, my life’s just been… that. Reconnecting with my buddy who went to Alaska, school. The loans I signed myself up for with school have been enough to get me through and a tiny bit more. I am very thankful. I’m going to be in debt by the time I get my Bachelor’s or Master’s if I decide to jump after it, but that’s the price of following your dream I suppose. I’ve also been really lucky this last month that my boyfriend was able to stay for the entire month and celebrate my birthday with being bored and watching way too much Ghost Adventures. I’ll let the photographic evidence speak for itself for how well the time has been lately…

See this? This is a copy that is almost 90% pristine of my favorite roleplaying system, Geist. It’s now out of print and I snagged a copy before the price jumped up trifold.

This is my buddy who went to Alaska’s dog. Her name is Jesse and getting to this point took a lot of video game visits, a lot of cheese treats and waiting for her to adjust to me. She’s a really nervous dog, really anxious about pretty much everyone and hates men even more (yay for not having dangly bits for once on my part), so it was an accomplishment to my friend and I that she trusts me to snuggle me (read: demanding attention and love) while playing Baldur’s Gate.

This odd creeper followed me home on November 4th and demanded to play the copy of Grand Theft Auto 5 I bought for my boyfriend. Oops. This is my boyfriend. I keep telling him he needs to shave more. My cat also mauled him with love when he got here. While he was here we… gasp, spent time together. The previous time he had visited I was still working full time and barely saw him. While he did get on my nerves just a little bit (I think I annoyed him just as much in my defense), it was way better this time around; we’ve finally relaxed around each other and it just concreted in my head how much better this relationship is in comparison to others I’ve had. I can’t express how thankful I am for his patience when it comes to my head.

I turned 22 on the 29th of last month. While I was lucky that I got to spend it with my boyfriend, luckier in that it was during my break from school for the holidays… my depression kicked up. We didn’t really get to do much of anything because of the sudden arrival of a hefty bill that my parents had to tackle, and the plans we were going to do in the evening got mostly cancelled. My parents even mostly forgot until well into the afternoon that it even was my birthday. In hindsight it doesn’t bother me; I understand the situation. The little five year old child hoping to get wool socks and maybe macaroni & cheese at a restaurant didn’t and the monstrous creature that’s my depression an anxiety warped the situation into worse than it was. The five year old that got infected with all that ichor of hate felt like the people who did care in my life, my friends, should’ve at least said hi or something. This breakdown of my head, mentally, happened pretty early on in the day and I eventually got over myself and the lack of macaroni & cheese in my life.

My dad, later that day, made me a pretty epic fucking dinner. I’m talking angus burgers with guacamole, good. And since there was leftover pie, it was better. And beer. Can’t forget the beer. Dead Guy Ale is fucking good.

I guess this picture wraps it up. I feel better now than when I lost my job. I feel more at ease. I don’t know if getting into the Elder Scrolls beta was part of what made November pretty damn good, but I’ll just shrug and accept it. My cat is fine and healthy, I’m fine and healthy, I’m keeping up… I’m okay.

The big black monster still creeps on me day-to-day, but in the end of it all. I am okay.


Social Anxiety and the Beginning of the Job Race

That’s a picture of the Rosemary I planted near the beginning of the summer. I feel it best kinda represents what I’m trying to tackle and the attitude I hope I can hold onto while I try to achieve what I’m trying to achieve.

Losing my job kinda leads me to start thinking about the long run. Are there jobs in my chosen field? Will I be able to handle supporting myself and potentially my significant other for a period of unknown time? There are plenty of jobs in my field, which is highly encouraging. But I need things like a license, and a stable crap job to get me through until I can reach my career.

The revisions my resume has undergone has begun to make me feel a lot better about looking for a job. I’ve posted a brief outline of myself on CraigsList’s resumes section and gotten a few responses, put out a few copies of my resume. It feels really good to have not two or three, but six references who are willing to attest to (what I hope is) my awesomeness. My resume is sitting on the desks of the manager of a local small market and a video game store right now. I’ve applied to the game store twice before, and I hope that third time will indeed be a charm. It’s not too much to look for a part time gig doing just about anything, right?

The second question I’ve been asking myself relates a lot more to how I want to handle my psychological stability. I have a semi-dependent personality and both I & the man know this. We’re very similar in that respect. I’ve only been unemployed a few days, but he’s been unemployed going on a few years now. Being stuck in bum-fuck nowhere does that. The times he’s been down here before have been filled with good times, but also job hunting. Do I think he’ll have a better opportunity down here, to find a job and hold out until he can establish residency? Yes, it’s with 110% certainty I say that. Am I financially stable to support both he and I as well as my beloved fur babies while I go to school? That.. I’m more worried about. 

The idealist in me wants to say, YES, yes, it will be just fine. But the realist in me is screaming NO, no, it won’t be fine. And I’m just sitting here, on a slowly dwindling away monthly transit pass, scrolling through CraigsList and spending my afternoons turning in my resumes to whoever will give it a glance. All while putting in 150% effort in at school, to understand algebra (which I have absolutely no confidence in but apparently I have an A in the class so far?) and remember how the bloody fuck to write a paper.

Each time I approach an employee somewhere I get this screaming wave of terror that they’ll laugh at me, that I’ll be ignored or that I will be seen as “sub-par”. I’m scared they’ll judge me by the pants that just barely fit and the dress shirt that’s too big, and not by the fact that I’m well kept, responsible and ensure tasteful placement of my piercings as well as consideration to keep the only religious symbol I own on my person under the tshirt that also hides the text of the tattoo I have along my collarbone.

So, what does a picture of a flourishing Rosemary plant have to do with my job hunt? I’ve barely paid attention to it over the summer. I’ve let nature take it’s course in letting it root down in the barrel it’s planted in, watering it only slightly while it got extremely dry over the summer. The damn plant seems to have just slowed down, and taken root as much as it can before slowly getting bigger and bigger. It kept on going.

So here’s to hoping. That my fat ass can keep on going.

How does your garden grow?

The indoor garden that my family has slowly been developing began as a way to use the extra space on an old entertainment center that used to have our second TV. It began with the gift of a spider plant (that’s what my mom calls it) from my wonderful Aunt Kim in September of last year. There was also a stand that she bought with it for my mom, before her and the rest of my mom’s siblings returned to their scattering of the PNW between Medford and Moses Lake.

The other part of this little indoor garden is the ever-growing collection of succulents we seem to be inheriting from neighbors who can see this little garden from our window. “Oh here! We thought you might like this!” Thankfully my cat seems to have figured out without incident that cactus is synonymous with pain, so when we shoo her away from this little area of the living room she’ll waddle over to a sunny spot and roll over with the most defeated expression I’ve seen on a kitty. (That being said, my rescue Peaches has been adjusting quite well to life here – and she also smells a lot better to boot.)

Among my favorite pieces of greenery that we have in our house, is the bonsai my father got. Don’t ask me why. I really don’t know why I like it so much. I’ve liked it enough to look into if there’s a sakura bonsai I could get, just so I could have teeny tiny pink blooms once a year indoors. Cherry blossoms are one of my favorite thing. Just looking at the waterfront in springtime with all the blossoms gracing all the trees… can I just say, most relaxing walk ever? Wow I get distracted easily! Anyway. . .

Probably wonder, why does it even matter what’s being grown indoors in your house? Well it kind of does matter, it creates this little pocket of a peaceful oasis in an otherwise crazy world for me. The rest of the house is rather.. thrown together. It’s been like that for as long as I can remember and I cannot for the LIFE of me remember when we’ve ever had house plants that have survived more than a few weeks in the house before shriveling up, browning and dying. Maybe it was everyone’s New Years Resolution culminating on very similar things, or maybe it’s just the vaporizer we have that’s made the atmosphere much more livable. I have no bloody idea. So, I’ll just keep riding this green wave of pretty that I get to wake up to in the mornings until things change. 🙂

And now for a peek at the little garden I have going outside. A quick note about the radishes – I’ve noticed that being in a container, I lose leaves to slugs and yellowing, the latter a sign of over watering. I wish I could say that I’ve been drowning them, but that’s just been a result of the lovely unpredictable Oregon weather deciding to piss upon my patch of veggies. That poo head. Among my notes for next year are making little covers for the containers I’m using for the veggies & putting a bigger salt ring around that spot in the back. I’m probably going to build a small bench shelf to hold a few of the pots I’m going to get (with them inset in it.. or I’ll paint these ugly black pots), and have two sides built up for a raised garden bed for herbs. I think I’ve gotten as many radishes I could have out of the three.. four(?) plants I’ve harvested, about five big fist-sized radishes I’ve sliced up and split up among salads this last week and the freezer for stews.

Now what’s that? Are those buds? Is that… something like, eight of them? Oh my Talos, yes it is! This has been my biggest challenge so far and the plant I’ve been the most nervous about. Usually zucchini needs a much bigger space to grow and it wants to climb, but this type of zucchini was supposed to mature to be a smaller plant & root system. This picture is a few days old and right now I’m sitting outside looking at four the buds opening up beautifully and there’s two bees hovering around them. Can you tell I’m excited to have fresh zucchini?

All in all… garden therapy has really done what it’s supposed to do for me, I think. My grandpa would be proud of me to see what I’ve been growing and I can only hope that someday I’ll be able to build up a garden that might be possible to surpass his.

Next year (as it’s too late to do now, unless I build small greenhouse covers for the boxes and insulate them), I will have to build boxes on this little back plot that we have near my house. It’s depressing to have the only thing able to grow in that clay to be grass, but it’s just bad soil and there’s not much I can do about that which would look pretty. I also can’t dig very deep as there’s piping that holds electric wires for the neighborhood about a foot into the bed.

So if anyone has even waded through this post at all.. show me pictures of your garden! What do you have growing right now? What are some challenges you’ve had to deal with? I’d love to hear from you, so throw a comment on here! 🙂