Tricks and things and patriotism

Insert something red, white and blue here. Probably a flag. Add in something about our military service and how much we appreciate them. Goodness knows, I do.
There’s a comic floating around the internet by a certain Danish artist who personifies the major countries ala usually armless people that vaguely resembles Hetalia. The last panel has the U.S., who has been trying to get the attention of daddy Britain for so long, throwing a tea pot off a boardwalk. Accurate, but this act of rebellion was one of the first that led our nation to its freedom. Happy Birthday, see the Boston Tea party for more info.
Now, we were built upon the idea of freedom. Freedom of speech, religion, etc etc. Freedom to paint your house rainbow and name your daughter North West. But here’s what pisses me off about how our country has turned out over the last hundred years.
The government invests money into big businesses instead of its populace. Instead of funding education, we fund bailouts for banks. Instead of making life a priority, profit is. Hundreds of thousands of people my age are in debt for a degree, making half of what they should. Poverty is common. News is censored so the general public doesn’t realize that all the bullshit is dropping all around us and the news anchors are spraying a febreeze of elephants playing in the waves.
And here I am. Getting lost in my ignorance, fighting every day with myself to keep anxiety at bay, trying my damndest to make my dreams come true.
Think for a moment. Do you remember a time in your life where you dreamed? I’m not talking about seahorses doing the electric slide in your backyard. Dreamed. Planned out how you would work hard, build a castle, go to outer space, meet people in other countries. Open a bookstore or become a doctor.
What happened to that, America? Where did your dreams go?

Adrenaline

I’ve been working very hard lately. My boyfriend is in town currently, I’m filling out school paperwork and items for my FAFSA and loan information, and throughout all of it…. I’m still vegetarian.

Usually by now I’ll have broken and jumped to the nearest meaty comfort food (my personal favorite is biscuits & sausage gravy, which I may post the recipe for soon because I want to make it Saturday morning), but for some reason I’ve been able to beat the craving. I’m going to blame the bounties of summer & her fresh vegetables and the promise of my own measly zucchini plant finally pushing out a single squash (did you know that? zucchini is a squash? yeah? oh..). The recipe I tried this week and totally spaced on taking pictures about was Eggplant Parmesan. I literally had no idea what I was doing but it turned out pretty decently. Well. Amazing enough that I had to put my foot down in order for there to be leftovers.

But that’s enough of that. There’s a bigger issue in all of this. Working full time (at minimum wage, no less) with a commute that adds another 20 hours to my work week that is unpaid for has finally taken it’s toll. I am exhausted.

I need something better. I need a new start and I need to focus on school. I can’t be distracted…

This short post is here for one purpose and that’s to alert the masses that for the first time since 17, I won’t be trying to work as many hours as I can. I won’t balance it with school. I either will be working weekends or evenings, but I feel there’s a big chance I will be attempting to ease myself out of working my current job to find something else to pay my core bills while I go to school.

I’m terrified. Let me say that again. Terrified. All of my friends have moved on to either university or are almost finished. I turn 22 at the end of the year and while that’s not that big of a deal, I’ll be older than the other freshman. I haven’t taken a math course in six years and I have never been through this scary process of applying for aid & loans. Not only that, I have my animals to worry about. I have that beautiful kitty Peaches and my wonderful little crazy ball of poo, Annie. I know there’s going to be bigger vet bills for the cat in the future and Annie will be reaching two this December.

This is me having a panic attack. It’s an irrational fear of the future and the small things that has me nearly hyperventilating as I sit at the kitchen table, waiting for my breakfast muffin.. things.. to finish baking in the oven before I run out of here in a whirlwind to replace my phone charger and then leave for another 1.8 hour commute and 7 hour shift and another 1.8 hour commute back. Run on sentences. Self loathing for run on sentences. Coffee gulp. Stare at the screen for a few minutes with a twisting feeling in my stomach. Yep.

This is what a panic attack does to me.